The opening scene is fun an playful, I can relate to answering another person’s phone and messing with the person on the other end, it has a very personal feel. However the dialog is a little repetitive and hard to follow perhaps consider reformatting.
I like the idea of building the pallet on the floor but I am little confused about who is where. There is a lot of grinning and dialog but I wish I got a better sense of the room, are we in a loft, a hotel, a house....
I like the line about blowing things up, very on par for the story, too much rolling of eyes though, these characters remind me of some people I know...
The dream sequence is steamy, but there are some lack luster words that kill the mood for me "rather, a little, a few" needs more passion. I do love the part about the "soft flawed skin" beautiful imagery. I really get the feel of sublime pain and loss of something pure in our heroes. I think we need a little bit more of the erotic nature of the dream before the waking sequence, really draw the reader in before we wake up... I love the way it starts with the "long smooth creamy skin"
There is a brief dialog between characters where we realize they are close friends and not really potential lovers, but the closing screen with Kagome walking across the room naked confuses the relationship, and is not as interesting in comparison with the mental feast we just had with the dream sequence. Let’s punch it up a bit with some long legs and sweeping supple curves.
I think there is a typo in the next to last paragraph that makes it hard to read.
The last paragraph about the bullet feels out of place, If it is to be part of the scene I think we need more back story and details about how, what, why and when this all happened. Tie it in with the scared skin, and why is it so important to him… could make the romance a little more dramatic.
Over all, a very interesting little scene, played out in my mind with very pleasant effect and good character personality. One of the sexier chapters, bit could benefit from more situational descriptions. Things need to be firm, and plentiful or soft and sleek rather than ordinary.
Let’s see more of this, I also want some sexy gun or knife play in here somewhere.
~LC