I've read a little of your story and some of the reviews. Your use of punctuation is actually fairly good as if the grammar, and spelling. The reviewers are quite correct in their assessment of the Point of View changes between characters being too jarring, and distracting from the story.
You tend to leap from one POV to another too often so it breaks the story narrative into multiple parts, good for a film-script, but not so good for a piece of fiction.
It just confuses the reader.
Another thing is that you really shouldn't put Author Notes or A/N: Notes in the actual text of your story, A/N messages should be placed at the beginning as part of the disclaimer or warnings section of the chapter, OR, at the very end, and not as part of the chapter content.
This is also distracting.
Additionally you need to put the dialouge of different characters into separate paragraphs. If Kagome is having a conversation with another person it should not read like this:
"I don't need your help!" screamed Kagome. "Well I'm going to help you anyway! So there!" snarled Inuyasha.
These should be separated like this into separate paragraphs:
Example:
"I don't need your help!" screamed Kagome.
"Well I'm going to help you anyway! So there!" snarled Inuyasha.
The separation of the dialouge as indicated above helps the reader to avoid confusion in which character is speaking when to to whom.
I believe that a beta could help you polish the above issues, but in reality you may actually need to rewite some portions to remove or merge several of the POV portions together into one narrative piece.
You can use the perspective of different characters in a chapter but it takes practice to do it consistently without resorting to posting 'POV' tags through out your story.
Overall a good story but it does need some polishing to be more readable.
~ Pyre
Oh my gods !!!!Kags have to knock that out Kiky-pig lifeless body !I began to feel sorry for cow!!! umm........ !! I DO NOT THINK !!
Gabbie (Chapter 3) - Thu 07 Nov 2013
Wow. Congratulations! For a first lemon, that was quick good. Looking forward to the next chapter. It will be interesting to witness Inuyasha's reaction to not only the growing relationship between Sesshie and Kagome but the possiblity of Kagome becoming pregnant.
Once again, congrats and I'm looking forward to the next installment(s).
I love this story it's wonderful. The only thing I have to say is that you're POV's aren't really necessary and when you have them talking they should really be spaced apart, it becomes confusing sometimes reading all of what they're saying back to back. But if you don't feel like changing it then that's fine too just some advice. :) You're doing very well for your first story. I can't wait for another chapter!!!
^_^ I like it so far. I like the long chapter and I hope to be able to read more soon.
Page 2 of 3
| | | | |