I do not own any of these, they are the sole property of the author of The Cynic's Dictionary, Rick Bayan. I really love these. You could say that it's my version of a bible. I would recommend this.  And, nobody is intended to be offended by this.These are just some samples.

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Abnormal- Occupying a point outside the shifting boundaries of social convention, like a same-sex couple before the 1970's or a twenty-two-year-old virgin today. Others now living beyond the fringe include rhyming poets, English-speaking cab drivers, solitary restaurant patrons, celibate celebrities, non-academics who read anything before the 1920's, businesspeople who read anything before last Friday, Japanese underachievers, American students who can locate Japan on a map, and anyone who still says whom. 

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 Aging- A supposed ripening into wisdom that most Westerners attempt to delay as long as possible.

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Bank- Where money automatically increases in value, especially when we need to borrow some.

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Cadaver- A supporting player who ends up on the cutting-room floor. A physician's first patient, and the only one who absolutely cannot die or sue for malpractice. Also the reason most medical students never feel the need to attend horror films.

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CEO- Corporate Ego in Overdrive.

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Chutzpah-The endearing effrontery of a mugger who threatens to sue his victim for bleeding all over his new suit.

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(Haha, I like this one)

Clique- A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.

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 Coping- Late twentieth-century substitute for living. An abnormal tolerance for the intolerable.

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 CPR- An emergency exercise that helps concerned onlookers feel useful while the victim expires.

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Cynic- An idealist whose rose colored glasses have been removed, snapped in two, and stomped into the ground, immediately improving his vision.

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 Denial- How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

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DNA- A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere. 

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(Yet again, no offense to the buds out there.)

Drag Queen- A man impersonating the kind of woman that always did remind you of a man impersonating a woman.

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(Another one of my favorites.)

Dysfunctional Family- A term used by psychologists to describe any household occupied by two or more related individuals.

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More soon to come.

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What a skeletal wreck of man this is

Translucent flesh and feeble bones
The kind of temple where the whores and villains
Try to tempt the holistic tomes

Running rampant with free thought to free form
In the free and clear
Where the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundromat
To sift and focus on the bigger, better, now

We all have a little sin than needs venting
Virtues for the rending
And laws and systems
And stems are ripped from the branches of office
Do you know what your post entails?

Do you serve a purpose?
Or purposely serve?

Lying down inside of your adavistic galore
The value of a Summer spent
And a Winter earned

For the rest of us there is always Sunday.
The day of the week that reeks of rest
But all we do is catch out breaths
So we can wade naked into the bloody pool
And place our hand on the big black book.

To watch the knives zig-zag between our aching fingers.

A vacation is a count-down
T-minus your life and counting
Time to drag your tongue across the sugar-cube
And hope you get a taste

What the FUCK is all this for?! (What the hell is goin' on?!)
SHUT UP!!

I could go on and on, but, lets move on shall we?

Say, you're me and I'm you
And they all watch the things we do
And like a smack of spite
They threw me down the stairs
Haven't felt like this in years
The great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse
Let me go and
Plunge me into the dead spot again.

That's where you go when there's no one else around
It's just you
And there was never anyone to begin with now was there?

Sanctomonious pretentious dasterdly bastards
With their thumb on the pulse
And a finger on the trigger

CLASSIFIED MY ASS! that's a FUCKING secret and you know it!

Government is another way to say
Better
Than
You.

It's like ice but no pick
A murder charge that won't stick
It's like a whole other world
Where you can smell the food
But you can't touch the silverware

Hah, what luck
Fascism you can vote for
Isn't that sweet

And we're all gonna die some day
Because thats the American way
And I've drunk too much
And said too little
When your gaffer taped in the middle
Say a prayer, save face
Get yourself together and (see whats happening)
SHUT UP! (FUCK YOU!)
FUCK YOU!

I'm sorry, I could go on and on but
It's time to move on, so

Remember your a wreck, an accident
Forget the freak, your just nature

Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean
Shit, snort and blaspheme
Let the heads cool and the engine run

Because in the end,
Everything we do
Is just everything we've done.

 - Omega by Stone Sour's Corey Taylor

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A lot of people won't understand this, but if you do, then you have a little insight on my mind. This little rant of his has helped me clear my mind when an objective view was needed. Being able to look upon the world with a clear view isn't always the best thing. Ignorance is bliss, right?...

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