Thinking of You
by ~Wick3d Ang3l~
Chapter One: Missing Him
Kagome Higurashi frowned as she looked at the clock on her night stand. It was only three and she'd been tossing and turning all night. She stretched as she sat up, giving up on sleep completely. It was all his fault. It had been two years since he handed her an envelope and walked out with no explanation. Their daughter was four at the time and only remembered him a little, but Kagome constantly showed her pictures of the daddy that was kidnaped. It killed her to lie to her own flesh and blood like that, but the truth could wait until she was old enough to understand. Of course Kagome still didn't understand it herself so she doubted she would ever tell Rin the truth.
She walked through the empty house that he had bought for them when they got engaged. It was hard living here, but she couldn't afford rent and this house was paid in full. She thought she could probably sell it for enough money to live comfortably the rest of her life, but she felt connected to it. This was the last place they made love, the last place he looked her in the eyes and told her she was his world, and the last place she saw him. She opened the door to the bedroom they had shared and fought back the tears. It still felt like yesterday when he held her in his arms and whispered sweet nothings into her ear about the family they would have and how their love would withstand anything. She could see him sitting there, reading one of his ridiculous mystery novels, and waiting for her and Rin to run in and jump in bed after bath time. She walked in and ran a hand over the dresser that had collected a lot of dust since he left. It took a year before she could open the door and she still couldn't bear to move anything to clean. She stood at the window that looked out over the back gardens and frowned. They still looked as perfect as the first day when he showed her the view from their room. He told her she could look out over the gardens and see just a glimpse of her own beauty. She cursed as she wiped at the tears that were now running down her face.
The envelope he gave her still sat on the bed unopened. When he handed it to her she threw it there and hadn't moved it. She couldn't bear to read what he had written then so she decided that someday she would have the strength. To this day she still couldn't look at it without that day running through her head. The pain was still fresh and she still just didn't understand. If he was as happy as he told her he was, as happy as he seemed, why did he leave without even so much as reason. She had begged him to make her understand, but he just looked at her with sad eyes and told her to move on.
Moving on was something she knew she couldn't do. Her mother and her friends were always trying to set her up with someone, but nobody could compare to him. He was her world and at one time she thought she was his, but a person didn't just walk out on his family if he really cared, did he? She tortured herself all the time, trying to figure out what she did wrong, why he left her behind.
"Mommy, what's wrong?" came a little voice from behind her.
Kagome took a deep breath, plastered on a fake smile, and turned to look at her daughter. "Nothing's wrong sweety. What are you doing up so early?"
"I heard a noise and I didn't know what it was," Rin said, running over and hugging her mother's waist.
"Aw, it's okay honey. Let's go lay down in mommy's bed and I'll make us a big breakfast when it's time to get up."
"Okay!"
Kagome laughed as she picked the little girl up, closed the door to the room, and walked to her bedroom. Rin jumped in and wiggled around. "Lay still and close your eyes. If you don't go to sleep now you won't have any energy to go to the park with aunt Sango after school."
The girl laid still and turned to her mother. "What was daddy like?"
"Rin, I've told you about your daddy."
"I know, but I want to hear it again. I miss him."
"I miss him too honey. He was strong and brave and he loved us very much," she said, her voice threatening to break. "The day you were born he cried and said you were the most perfect thing he'd ever seen." She sniffled a little and hugged her daughter close to her.
"Why do you cry when you talk about him?"
"Because I love him very much and I want him to come back."
"Do you think the people who took him away will ever let him come home?"
"I hope so honey. I really hope so."
---
Kagome yawned as she turned off the alarm and tried to quietly get out of bed. Rin rolled over into her spot and snuggled further into the blankets. She smiled down at her daughter and decided to take a shower. The hot water felt good running down her back as she closed her eyes. She could remember mornings when they both woke up late and he would jump in the shower with her. It always ended up making them later then they already were and she would get upset with him, then he would tell her that life was too short to run off to work early every morning. If only she had known then how short her time with him would be she would have called in and spent more days just laying in bed holding him close to her.
She shook the thought from her head and climbed out of the shower. The outfit hanging on the back of the door made her shudder, but she had to wear it. She pulled on the short black faux leather skirt first then the black corset that laced on each side. After putting that on she dabbed on a little make up and put a long skirt and button-up shirt over top of it. She was working two jobs to pay the bills. Five days a week she worked in an office from 8am to 4 pm, then three days a week she worked at the bar from 6pm to close, which was 2am. It wasn't easy, especially when she worked at the bar and the office on the same day, but they stayed in town with her best friend Sango on those days, which Rin loved.
Once she was finished getting dressed she tip-toed through the bedroom and into the kitchen. She pulled the eggs and sausage out of the fridge and got out her favorite frying pan. She grabbed a spatula and fried the sausage, set it aside, and fried the eggs in the grease.
Rin stretched as she walked in and sat at the table. "Good morning mommy."
"Good morning honey, do you want milk or orange juice to drink?" Kagome asked as she sat a plate in front of her daughter.
Rin thought for a moment. "Can I have chocolate milk?"
Kagome stuck a finger under her chin like she was thinking. "Oh I guess so, since you're such a good girl I guess you can have a treat."
Rin laughed. "Mommy I have chocolate milk every morning."
"I know, that's because you're such a good girl that you deserve a treat everyday! Now eat up, we need to hurry and get you to school."
"Is aunt Sango coming to get me after school today?"
"She sure is, mommy has to work both jobs today so I will stop at aunt Sango's and give you a kiss good night."
"Okay! Maybe Kohaku will play with me at the park today!"
Kagome smiled at her daughter. Sango's parents had been killed in a car accident when she was seventeen and she took over the care of her younger brother. It hadn't been easy, but they made it and now that Kohaku was a little older it made things easier since she no longer had to pay a babysitter. Rin had decided that she was going to marry Kohaku when they grew up, Kohaku wasn't as keen on the idea and tried to avoid her as much as possible.
Ah, to be young and in love again. She remembered that feeling, being in love at such a tender age. She had loved him since before she could remember and he took good care of her. He stayed by her side through thick and thin growing up. Even after he graduated and went to college he came back to visit her every weekend. Once she graduated he asked her to marry him and of course she said yes. He bought them the house and soon they found out they were expecting a child. Life had been so good to them until the day he tore her world apart and left it in shambles.
"Mommy, are you listening?" Rin asked impatiently. "Mr. Hojo is giving us a test today and I think I'm going to get an A!"
Kagome smiled. "Well, if you get an A then we will have to celebrate with ice cream!" At least she still had her sweet little girl.
---
"Higurashi, you have a phone call on line two," a co-worker called as she tapped away at her keyboard.
"Just a second, I've almost finished this document," Kagome answered.
"It's the school, it sounds pretty important."
Her heart raced. What if something had happened to Rin? She nodded to her co-worked and picked up her phone. "This is Kagome Higurashi, how can I help you?"
"Ms. Higurashi, this is Rin's teacher, Akitoki Hojo," the man on the other end said.
"Did something happen? Is Rin okay?"
"Oh, she's fine. I am a bit concerned with some of the things she is telling other students. I would like to set up a conference, maybe this afternoon?"
Kagome sighed. She really needed to stop and see Rin before she headed to her other job, but it sounded pretty important. "Um, I get off work at 4 and I can probably make it to the school by 4:30."
"That sounds great. I look forward to our meeting."
"See you then." She hung up and rubbed her eyes with her thumb and forefinger. The last thing she needed was Rin starting to cause trouble in school.
"Is everything alright child?" Kaede, her boss, asked.
"I hope so. That was Rin's teacher, it seems she's causing a little trouble in class."
"Ay, children go through these stages. Especially when they are missing a parent. Every child needs a mother and father."
"Yeah, well there really isn't much I can do about that now is there? He left, he walked out, and he's not coming back."
"Then why don't ye try dating, find another father figure for the girl."
"Because I love him Kaede. He has been my whole world for so long that I don't know how to be with anyone else."
"It has been two years child, you have to accept that he is not coming back."
"What will I tell Rin? She thinks that he was taken from us and that some day he will come back and we will be a family again."
"Ye need to tell her the truth. If you don't tell her then one day she will find out and she will resent ye for hiding it from her."
Kagome dropped her head to her desk with a thud. "You're probably right, but she's so young and her father means so much to her. I don't want her to think of him as a bad person."
"I understand your plight, but if you don't tell her the truth soon then she will thing ye the bad guy for keeping such a big secret."
"Does life ever get easier?"
"Not that I have seen child."
---
Kagome walked to the classroom and knocked on the door. She had only met Rin's teacher once at an open house and he had so many other parents to speak with that night that they'd only spoken for a moment. Her face was plastered with her best fake smile and she extended a hand when the door opened.
"Ah, Ms. Higurashi, come in and have a seat please," the man said as he shook her hand.
He was a very good looking man, his hair was dark brown and cut in a shabby style. His eyes were deep chocolate and his black suit pants and white button shirt accented his well portioned body. Out of all of his features it was his smile that caught the most attention. He had a very broad, innocent smile.
Kagome walked into the room and took a seat at one of the tables in the back of the room. After shutting the door he made his way to the back and took a seat across from her. "Before I say anything else I want you to know that Rin is one of the brightest students I've ever had. She catches on quickly and excels in every subject."
Kagome visibly relaxed a bit. "I'm glad. I worry that because I work so much she will get behind."
"Not at all. She's actually been assisting her peers in their studies. My problem is the stories she tells."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, today I over heard her telling a fellow student that her father was abducted by 'bad men' and that he was coming home someday."
Kagome looked away and sighed. "Rin's father left us two years ago. She wasn't home when it happened and I didn't want her to think of her father like that so I told her he was taken away by force..." She stood and looked out the window for a while before she could speak again. "This is all my fault. She asked me today if I thought he would ever be allowed to come home and I told her I hoped so. She must have taken that as meaning he would be back."
"I'm sorry, I had no idea. So Rin doesn't get to see her father?"
"No, I actually have no idea where he even is. I haven't seen him since he left that day."
"That must be difficult for you."
"It is, but we manage." She turned and looked at him, a sad smile on her face. "I'm trying to find a way to explain to Rin that daddy isn't coming back and that mommy has to move on with her life."
"So, is there a special man in your life?"
Kagome looked confused.
"I'm sorry, that isn't any of my business. I just... I think you are a very beautiful woman and I can't imagine a man ever leaving you. The more I talk the more I realize that you must be taken and I sound like an idiot."
"Actually I haven't dated since he left. My mother and my friends keep trying to set me up, but it's been really hard. Having a six-yea-old doesn't help."
"Some men don't mind kids."
Kagome blushed then looked up at the clock. "Oh my gosh, I need to get to work!"
"I thought you said on the phone that you got off work at four."
"I do, but I work two jobs."
He nodded and grabbed a piece of paper. "Here is my number. If you ever feel like you're ready to date again give me a call. I can be understanding and I love kids."
Kagome laughed as she took the paper and stuck it in her pocket. "Thanks. I will keep it handy."
His voice stopped her as she was walking out the door. "Kagome," his voice sounded so soft and silky, just like... "I just want you to know that we aren't all the same."
She swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat and nodded. By the time she got to her car her heart felt like it would explode. That was the same thing he told her when she was stupid and dated Inuyasha.
"I just don't understand why he keeps going back to her!" Kagome had yelled angrily.
"It's just his way Kagome, he will never change," he had replied.
She pouted. "Maybe I'll just give up on men all together."
He shook his head. "That doesn't seem fair to the rest of us."
"Whatever... I'm going home, I'll talk to you later."
He grabbed her hand as she walked out the door and caused her to look at him. The look in his eyes melted her heart. "Before you walk out of here I just want you to know the we're not all the same."
She had known that she was in love with him, but until then she thought it was one sided. After that day she never doubted his feelings and he made it well known how much he cared about her. She wiped at her tears angrily and grabbed her cell phone. Rin could always make her feel better. "Hey Sango, where is Rin?"
"She's at the park with Kohaku, you don't sound so great, is everything okay?" Sango asked.
"Yea, I'll be alright. Tell her mommy loves her and that I'll see her in the morning." She flipped her phone shut and took a deep breath. She looked into the mirror and a much older woman stared back at her. At the same time she could still see that fragile young girl from so long ago. She shook her head and put the car into gear. She didn't need to think like that right now. Right now she just needed to focus on work and Rin.
---
Kagome hated karaoke night because everyone was drunk and thought they sounded fantastic. The truth was they all sounded horrible and it gave her a terrible headache. One of the other girls gave her a sympathetic smile and went on with their business. "Kagome!" her boss called and she sighed and walked over to him.
"Yes?" she asked impatiently, could he not see that she had customers waiting.
"I want you to get up there and sing something."
"Sir, I'm no good."
He laughed. "How many people do we get up there that are actually good? I was told we need to get down to the customers level and I think this is the perfect opportunity. Not to mention you are one of the sexiest girls I have."
She really didn't want to, but he wasn't giving her a choice. "Any special requests?"
"No, just sing what your heart tells you to."
She nodded and put her tray down on the bar. Everyone watched as she made her way toward the makeshift stage in the back of the room. She took a deep breath as she chose her song and stood in front of the microphone.
"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just go
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone"
It was as if the world had stopped and a spotlight shone on her. Her haunted voice flowed through the bar and out onto the street, causing people to stop and listen. Some even stepped inside to see the beautifully broken woman standing on the stage.
"These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real.
There's just too much that time cannot erase.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me."
The tears made her eyes glisten like stars in a dark sky. The crowd felt her pain and cried along with her as she sang her heartache to them.
"You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me"
She could feel her heart screaming out for him, she wanted him to be there with her, holding her hand, and telling her that he was sorry and he would never leave her alone. She wanted him to know what he left behind and the hurt that she felt everyday.
"I've tried to tell myself that your gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along."
She closed her eyes and let the tears drop to the floor below as the crowd broke out into cheers. She slipped off stage and walked into the backroom. Once she got to a counter she leaned against it to try to calm down. Her sobs racked her body as she tried to breath. Her heart felt like someone was squeezing it with all their strength. She could feel her consciousness slipping away as her hands slipped from the counter and she fell to the floor.
---
"Mommy!" Rin yelled as she ran into her mother's open arms. "Mommy I was so worried about you!"
"I'm okay honey, mommy just got a little... overwhelmed," Kagome said as she hugged her daughter to her.
"What does that mean?"
"It means it's time that mommy tried to move on."
Rin looked confused, but decided not to ask any more questions. She was just glad her mommy was okay.
---
Kagome took a deep breath as she looked at the envelope in her hand. If she was going to move on she needed to know what this letter said. Her heart raced as she opened it and something fell from between the pages as she unfolded it. It was a credit card. She decided she would get to that later. Her eyes started to water as she read the heading, but as hard as this would be she knew she had to do it.
To my beautiful Kagome
I know you have a lot of questions and how I wish I could answer them. There are things that I can't explain... I hope you trust me. Our lives are going to be very different and I'm so sorry for that. Please don't let our little girl forget me or think badly of me. I love you both very much and I would never hurt you on purpose, but sometimes it's out of my control.
I hope that someday you can move on and find someone who can love you the way you deserve. There are plenty of men out there, I hope that you can give some of them a chance because it won't be hard for them to fall in love with you.
Make sure you give Rin a kiss from me everyday. Tell her that daddy loves her and wishes he could be there with both of you.
Please use this credit card for anything you and Rin want or need. I will make sure it stays paid.
I love you so much and I wish that this could be different, or that I could at least explain things a little better. Just know that you will always be in my heart no matter where I go.
With all the love in the world,
Sesshoumaru
Kagome cursed as she threw the letter to the floor. She didn't know what she had hoped, but she at least thought he would have some kind of explanation for leaving. She picked up the credit card and walked into the kitchen. They had been doing just fine without his charity and she refused to take his help now. She cut the card into little pieces and threw it in the trash. It was time to move on and she didn't need his help to do it.
---
Angel: So, it's not GREAT, but I still think it's pretty good. I worked hard on this so be gentle. No but seriously, it you think anything can be fixed let me know. I can't guarantee I'm going to follow your advise, but I will take it into consideration.
Izzy: I think she went through and changed some details like a thousand times!
Angel: Hey, writing is a process and some parts of the process take longer than others. Also this took me a week or so to write, with work and everything I'm not sure how long it will be before I can update again.