Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.
This is in response to a forum conversation, in which Miss Kagura detailed the various exploits of rats and opossums. It's supposed to be a crackfic, but I have no idea what it turned into.
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[size=4]Sexual Possibilities of the Didelphis Virginiana[/size]
"And that is what a rat looks like!" Kagome finished emphatically, casting a stern glare down to the portly feline in her lap, just to make sure it was paying attention to the glowing computer screen.
Little Sumo simply gave her a large, kittenish yawn, before directing her attention greedily back to the fuzzy little animal currently hunched upside down from the room of the cage....if such a position was even possible to attain. But perhaps it was a specialty of baby opossums? Especially those under severe Post Traumatic Stress fuelled by the smelly interiors of a kitten's mouth. Kagome, that lovely young bundle of frustrated, confused teenager, tried to make up her mind whether she should waste any more precious puppy-ear-free minutes of her life analyzing the behavioural mechanisms of an infant Didelphis virginiana; though what menagerie in all of Eastside Tokyo had managed to cough up one for Buyo's firstborn to drop at Kagome's feet, was beyond her geography skills.
What she was going to do with the critter-look-alike, with three hungry cats in the house, who Did. Not. Get. the biological difference between mouse, rat and baby opossum, was beyond her too.
And so began the long process of calling every single person in the black book, asking if they would take the animal off her hands. Obviously humanitarianism was much overrated. Also, tolerance for all things remotely mousy and fuzzy.
Her mother came into the room just as she was replacing the receiver for the 67th time....even the usually kind but nosophobic Hojo had refused to listen to reason, and was even now coming over with the exterminators and anti-plague vaccination forms to protect the woman who would one day be his wife, bear his children and (wo)man his family shop. Kagome shot her otherwise understanding mother a pleading, almost desperate look.
"No. I have no objections to blood, my dear, but I object to being expected to clean up various body parts off the floor."
"Well, nobody in all of Eastside Tokyo wants it, Mom. What I need is another town of freaks to take this one in."
"I don't know about a town, my dear, but if you're so desperate, I can suggest a......."
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Slurp. Snigger.
Kagome ignored it.
Slurp. Snigger. Snort.
Kagome continued to ignore it.
Dribble. Smack. Chortle.
Kagome thought she could ignore those, too.
Chump. Giggle. Snorfle.
Kagome tried, really hard, to ignore it.
Champ. Champ. Champ. Giggle. Snicker.
Kagome wailed for Kaede, who told her, for the fourteenth time, (with a chorus, this time) what to do.
Kagome refused, for the fourteenth time, without the aid of a chorus.
Ssshhhhllluuurrrpppp.
Silence. Pin-drop, shaking-in-your-boots silence.
Kagome ran to do what Kaede told her to do.
The hut broke out in maniacal cackles.
A single, starving tear rolled down the fire cat's furry little face.
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So that was how our lovely young heroine found herself face to face with one overtly happy, squealing child, one in-vertly ecstatic toad, and one subtly twitchy-eyebrow-ed demon lord.
Not to mention one squeaking baby Virginia possum, who seemed to be rivaling the little girl in pitch, tone, and volume.
No wonder Sesshoumaru was so twitchy. Kagome suspected the poor demon lord was having a rather rough time of it...he couldn't even seem to muster up glare enough to convey one of his silent homicidal messages.
But Rin had the Power of Cuteness, and it outstares one and all.
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If ever there was a happy toad, it was our Master Jaken, Babysitter and Former Abuse-Taker to Irresistible Rin, and more importantly, Servant, Minion and Personal Groveller and Kicking Bag to the mighty Sesshoumaru Taishou, Master, Controller and Terrifier of the Western Lands Plus Anything Else He Surveyed, except a fuzzball named Fluffy, who he categorically refused to survey.
Well, all right, so he had been forbidden to so much as look at he godforsaken thing.
And Sesshoumaru did not want to answer why, what or how, though the who was apparent enough.
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Sesshoumaru decided that he was going to use Bokusenou for firewood tonight. If the tree could not even provide him with a satisfactory, explicit as per limits, definition of compassion, and just how far it should go, and just how it could be safeguarded from the heartbreaking effects of adorable little girls, it deserved the fate that was swiftly coming its way, claws raised.
Fluffy disagreed, apparently, if the muffled thump, and the childish wail following it was any indication.
Sesshoumaru wished he had never been introduced to the idea of charity for homeless orphans. Particularly, cute little lady orphans. He was going to kill his Prime Minister.
Should he kill it? No, he refused to allow the creature any lassitude besides Rin would never forgive him. Heaven help him, she might even launch a countrywide Emotional Abuse of Children attack on him.
The girl was still wailing, accusing her guardian of having killed the little animal...again. Sesshoumaru tried to point out that the creature would be running around again in a matter of minutes, but his aching eardrums and smarting nose prevented his larynx from cooperating.
The. Miko. Would. Be. Punished.
What was the woman thinking, gifting that little zombie to his charge? Perhaps the half-breed's love of all things undead had rubbed off on her...but he was damned if he was going to let them infect Rin, too!
Oh, he was going to unleash the plague on the witch.
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Kagome was a happy camper. Kirara was not. InuYasha was still in fond titters. Sango was too sexually frustrated to care. Miroku's cursed hand was looking for some worthwhile occupation. Shippou was sucking a lollipop.
Then he showed up. Smack-dab in the middle of the road, too! InuYasha didn't like that at all...it was his road!
Kagome put on her best smile and her best puppy eyes, but they had no effect on a former puppy. It didn't help that she wasn't Rin. The 34-28-36 always destroyed that brief illusion.
So she consigned herself to getting kidnapped. Again. At least Sesshoumaru was a hunk, she mused.
Perhaps she could get him to, ah, bond with her? Kidnapper-victim bonding......with cherry flavoured handcuffs......hmm...too bad there were no handcuffs around......of any variety whatsoever.
They could use his tail, she decided, just when a snarl broke through her daydreams and brought her back to the demon lord, whose current mood indicated that S&M was about as far from his mind as it could possibly get.
Damn. Oh well, she supposed she'd better sort out his itch, first.
Which he indicated by jerking his head in the direction of a glowering child who was dressed in what looked like Rin's clothes. Wow...she didn't think the girl had it in her to make a fashion statement, so early...but who knew? Maybe orange was the new black, around here.
Sesshoumaru took in her far-off expression, and poked her in the stomach with a single pointy claw.
"Ermm...yes?"
He jerked his head, again.
Kagome looked, rubbed her eyes, and looked again. Yes, little Rin was glaring at her previously beloved puppy, and said puppy was in a very bad mood 'cause of it.
"I see. Uh....any idea why? You haven't been banning her from the flower fields, have you?"
He shot her an ugly look, at which she snapped back, "Well, I'm no Dr. Freud, genius! If you want me to get you back in her good graces, you're going to have to explain what you did to her!"
Sesshoumaru blinked. Well, the last part of that was clear enough...... But this was annoying.
"Miko, it is not this Sesshoumaru, but you who have been passing my half-bastard brother's infatuation for the undead to my charge. You will remove the source of infection, forthwith. Or you will face this Sesshoumaru's wrath."
And that Sesshoumaru was looking very wrathful, indeed, Kagome realized, libido halfway under control now, but maybe, if she did as he wanted, he would do what she wanted? Now if only she knew what he wanted......
While the priestess was busy fantasizing, judging from the scent curling from between her legs, the demon lord was gritting his teeth in aggravation. How dare the woman daydream....about himself no less (he assumed it was himself, it did so much for the ego), when he was beset by the ringleader of the fuzzy minions of hell?
"Pay attention, miko."
Kagome snapped back, rather embarrassed, "Sorry. I, er, won't do it again, but it would help me so much more if I actually knew what you're talking about, you know?"
Almost sniffing in hauteur, Sesshoumaru decided he may as well give the wench a demonstration. So, at the risk of incurring Rin's wrath again, he turned, and gave the child a good, solid, once over with that sharp, infamous glare of his.
A muffled thump resounded through the clearing, as the baby opossum rolled from inside the girl's sleeve to land on the ground, stiff and glassy-eyed.
Rin began whimpering.
Jaken crept out the way of Sesshoumaru's boots.
Sesshoumaru gave Kagome a pointed huff.
Kagome burst a vein laughing.
It appeared they had a highly cynophobic opossum on their hands.
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A long explanation punctuated with annoyed growls, faux-dead opossums, and a heartbroken little girl later, Sesshoumaru had a migraine coming on. That was something new to him as well, and was followed by another long discourse by the miko on headaches and such.
Which only settled his headache firmer into his cranium. At least the miko felt guilty enough to offer to massage it away for him, an offer he had accepted, after flat out refusing to let her go back to her friends for something she called an "Aspirin".
And the damn woman was such a very soft and skilled masseuse, that the demon lord was willing to overlook the indignity of being yelled at by an 8 year old for being too scary for his own good.
But now Rin was asleep, dog-fearing Fluffy in hand, and Sesshoumaru had nothing to do. And having nothing to do reminded the demon lord of his internal vow to punish the wench for all the mayhem she and her animal had caused.
Sesshoumaru shifted slightly, and Kagome's hands went skittering lighty over his hair.
Was that a sigh of pleasure he heard?
Sesshoumaru smirked, having finally found a way to torture the girl as much as she had tortured him. Good thing she was so luscious, he might just enjoy himself doing it too.
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Sexual frustration sucked.
Kagome shot another heaving glare at the smug piece of fine ass that was Sesshoumaru, though it soon melted into another desperately come-hither peep.
But by then, he wasn't paying attention.
Kagome groaned, sinking to nose-level, as she tried to suppress the raging lust running through her at the sight of Sesshoumaru lounging lazily in the neighbouring hot spring.
He had to know what the view was doing to her, she grouched. He'd been doing it everyday at bath time! Showing up at the springs just when it was her time to bathe, and looking to damned sexy about it too! Kagome wished, for the millionth time, that she could go up to him and politely demand a bathing timetable, but lately, she was having enough trouble not turning to goop every time she was in his proximity.
God, if something didn't let up, and something else didn't go down, she was going to develop a bad case of oneirogmophobia. It wasn't at all pleasant, waking up in the middle of the night, wet and panting and knowing that that was how the rest of the night and the rest of the day and the rest of forever was going to go!
Damn Sesshoumaru. Damn Fluffy. Damn Sumo. Damn damn damn Buyo who couldn't keep it between his own legs!
Damn her senile grandpa for bringing Buyo home.
By now Kagome had worked herself up into an admirably smoking state, and since she thought she was very well entitled to it, being a perpetually horny 19 year old virgin, cross her heart, the world and the dog demon would just have to deal with it as she saw fit.
And she saw fit to clamber out of her spring, stalk over to its companion, throw herself onto the demon lord, and grind his semi-erect (so she wasn't the only one suffering, ha!) friend to a hefty stiffness.
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Sesshou gasped in semi-outraged shock. She was NOT supposed to do that. It was ruining his schemes!
.....but it felt delicious! She was so soft......
And then she wriggled most enticingly against him, a triumphant, needy grin plastered on her face, bosom rubbing against his hard chest, and other parts massaging certain other parts.....
Sesshoumaru decided he could up the punishment a little, if pressed.
And oh, was he pressed...
So he proceeded to let his fingers so skating over the miko's curves, dipping here and stroking there, while she moaned and wriggled harder than ever. Which was wonderfully distracting, hence he hauled them both out of the water and onto the grass, where he resumed his handiwork, moving to other, more intimate areas of the miko's form, while his mouth found purchase on her tender mounds.
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Kagome groaned and arched beneath him, searching desperately for more contact. It wasn't fair at all! He was making her all hotter and even more bothered than she'd been, previously, and he wasn't even allowing her to reciprocate the favour!
Well, she wasn't a die-hard feminist for nothing, by god, so she removed her hands from his hair and put them to much better use, reveling in the harsh groans they elicited from the demon.
Being all hot and bothered just felt a whole lot better.
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Sesshoumaru growled, loudly, though in appreciation or frustration he wasn't sure. Nor was he going to judge. But she was definitely making things interesting, so he'd have to see just how much more of his punishment she could take.
He detached his mouth from her chest, and moved his lips down an invisible trail, sparking shivers and gasps whenever his tongue decided to join the play. Lower and lower he travelled; reaching his destination, he let his mouth run wild on her, teasing and stroking and kissing her into a frenzy of want.
Hnh. The miko would learn, finally, not to challenge him.
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Kagome closed her eyes and screamed with the force of it. God, how could anything feel so good and yet so punishing, she didn't know. She tried pushing her hips up, but he effectively trapped them under long, splayed, playful fingers.
Desperately, fighting against the intensity he wreaked on her, she pushed at him, wanting his mouth away from there, onto safer, less responsive places.
She didn't want him to stop, oh no. She just wanted more.
"Please..."
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"Please what, miko?"
'Please' was a pleasant word, Sesshoumaru reflected. It framed their current situation nicely. He was pleased, and she was wanting, needing him to please her too.
But he wasn't going to let her get away with it so easily. She would have to beg a while longer, he settled, even he moved up her body and rolled his hips, brushing sensually against the part of her that was weeping for his attention.
Kagome jerked and gasped under him, arching her hips up, almost taking him in, but he stopped her in place, leaning over her with an uncompromising, teasing look on his face, while she stammered and blushed, looking for words to tell him what she wanted so much.
"Please, Sesshoumaru! Just...please..."
He cocked a defiant eyebrow, letting his eyes wash over her slowly, setting her on fire.
Kagome couldn't take it anymore.
"......make love to me...NOW!"
Sesshoumaru cocked his other eyebrow too, in surprise this time. Love...was an unusual word to put it as...but she was such an oddity herself he thought he would afford her that much leniency. And she was certainly paying the dues for that tiny hairball extremely well.
He rolled his hips again, pushing into her, groaning at her clenching heat, and let his mouth muffle her squeals.
Kagome arched and moaned into him, letting her legs wrap around him tight.
Sesshoumaru hadn't enjoyed himself this much in a very long time.
And Kagome had wanted to feel this way for ever so long.
Over and over and over they went, crashing into sensation.
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In the end, they decided that there was so much more they could teach each other.
......starting with cherry handcuffs and a brand new baby Virginia Opossum, decidedly non-cynophobic, for Rin.
.
.
.
.
.
[u]Fin.[/u]
[u]Nosophobia[/u]: An irrational fear of contracting a disease
[u]Cynophobia[/u]: An irrational fear of dogs
[u]Oneirogmophobia[/u]: An irrational fear of wet dreams
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