Sesshoumaru crossed the Meidou, enduring the blackness and vacuum of what he always assumed was hell. After the Carebears incident, and the more recent chapters of various crackfics, Toutousai finally had mercy on him and told him how to cross over from their world to what he referred to as the 'real world.' Sesshoumaru was extremely uncomfortable with this, as if Toutousai was implying that where they were was not the real world.
The first thing he did was damage a Starbucks until someone finally googled 'Dokuga' for him and showed him what a 'website' was. This was the core of evil, he knew, and the origin of many sufferings in his world.
The frightened barista was terrified that someone was threatening to gut her, and worried that they would commit her when she told the police that a black-and-white, two-dimensional piece of paper wrecked the café and ordered her to use the internet. For a piece of paper, Sesshoumaru was really scary.
Sesshoumaru tried to use the mouse, but his paper fingers kept bending. 'I am so weak in this world,' he thought.
After a few more threats, and reading some forum posts, Sesshoumaru learned that the crackfic writers of Dokuga were having a meeting to discuss things, which he took to assume they were going to congregate and find new and disgusting ways to torture him.
"I wish to go to this address!" he shouted.
The barista frowned. "That's in the US."
"Am I supposed to know what that means, bitch?" he asked.
She was trying to imagine a piece of paper threatening airline security, and her brain nearly broke. Then, she realized that he was a piece of paper. "Come with me. I know just the thing. We're going to fax you to America. You just need to pretend you're not...you know...real."
Once again, someone was implying that there was something false about his existence, but he didn't care about any of that. All that mattered was avenging his honor against the crackfic writers. Sesshoumaru followed the barista to the Kinko's across the street, and flopped over her arm like a lifeless piece of paper.
The barista walked to the counter and said, "I need to fax this to the Kinko's closest to this address."
Sesshoumaru frowned when he exchanged hands and a man carried him to a noisy piece of machinery. When he felt his head start to feed into the large machine, he nearly lost it, but instead, he stayed still. The scanner for extra wide paper worked, bending him through gears and across a very bright light. There was beeping, and he felt like his soul was being sucked out as the fax began.
When the feeder finished on the Tokyo side, the paper was blank, with no ink on it at all.
In the states, an employee was dealing with a few dozen college students trying to make copies and presentations. He casually hit the 'shrink to fit' button when he realized they were out of the wide paper rolls, and went back to his work.
Sesshoumaru the Two Sided Print slid out into the tray.
The tiny paper Bakusaiga cut him free, and Sesshoumaru stood up and looked around. The humans were now giants, which meant they either evolved during the fax, or he had been shrunk by the barista and her witch magic. Sesshoumaru decided on the later and tried to crawl back into the fax machine. He retraced the path perfectly, but when he arrived at the paper tray on the other side, he was still little. Deciding that he wasn't able to replicate the witch magic, he jumped down and tried to escape.
Only one of the students saw the little paper taiyoukai run by, but instead of panicking, he jabbed his companion and said, "Your supplier is the best, Man."
"Harry, shut up, I'm trying to do this," his friend answered.
"You!" Sesshoumaru roared, although with his size, it was a chipmunk- esque cry.
The student reached down and picked him up. "Dude, it's talking! This is so cool!"
"Take us outside, now!" Sesshoumaru ordered.
Harry listened, forgetting all about his final, reports, and the fact that his friend was still inside. What was more important than listening to a living, breathing paper man? "Dude, my name's Harry."
"I am Sesshoumaru, Lord of the West!" Sesshoumaru answered.
"That's awesome, is that like, World of Warcraft or something?" Harry asked.
Sesshoumaru did his best to look mighty and answered, "I am an expert in all war crafts."
"Dude, we should play Halo sometime," Harry said.
Sesshoumaru decided 'dude' was some sort of gesture of respect, and instructed the pot-smoking kid to take him to the address. Harry got on the bus and at some point during the transit, dropped Sesshoumaru on the floor of the bus, where he landed on a piece of gum, and was then stepped on, effectively gluing him down.
Sesshoumaru tried to make noise, but the full bus was much louder than he was capable of being. He was relieved when a little girl boarded the bus and spotted him there. Little girls were always so nice, and Sesshoumaru knew that she would help him.
Instead, Sesshoumaru remained stuck to the floor and unable to move as a pink crayola was brought down upon him. "No! Do not color this Sesshoumaru! This Sesshoumaru does not wish to be pink!"
The cute little high-pitched noises he made only made the girl giggle, and take the purple crayon out. She held them both at the same time, because that was a more effective strategy, and she was too young to care about coloring in the lines anyway.
After Sesshoumaru had been defaced properly, the girl got off with her mother, and Harry remembered why they were even on the bus. When he reached down to pick Sesshoumaru up, a long trail of gum stretched out, and Sesshoumaru knew that his body would either rip, or that strand of gum would. He wasn't entirely sure he wanted to live anymore anyway, now that he was just under eleven inches tall and covered in less than manly colors.
"Dude, oops," Harry said as he got off the bus.
He carried the pissed off taiyoukai down the sidewalk, and up some apartment stairs. Then, he pushed Sesshoumaru through the mail slot onto the floor of the apartment.
Sesshoumaru ran across the tile floor, and drew his Bakusaiga. There were several women in the living room, chatting about whatever it was that women spoke about. He never listened long enough to find out.
"Are you the writers of crackfiction?" he shouted.
And there he stood, small, two-dimensional, and covered in pink and purple scribbles.
They always knew that if they kept torturing him in crackfics that he would find a way to get them. They just expected it to be a much scarier moment than it actually was. The fright and shock he wanted them to have was instead disappointment with his size.
"Sesshoumaru, no offense, but you're not very scary right now. I mean, yeah, the fact that a fictional character is standing in my living room creeps me out, but...you fail, we'll just leave it at that," Miss Kagura said.
R0o reached over and patted him on the head. "He's kind of cute like this."
"He is, R0o," Danyealle answered.
Sesshoumaru's eyes bulged out. "You! You are the inventor of Sugar0os? You will be destroyed!"
MontiK said, "You know there's no such thing as Sugar0os, right? Or demons, or demonic swords, or...you."
"I am not fictional!" he insisted.
"Yep," Danyealle said.
Sesshoumaru's demonic hearing caused his little paper head to jerk to one side. "There is a demon afoot. I hear it approaching. Stand back!"
A plain old housecat came around the corner of the couch, holding a toy mouse, which dropped from her mouth when she spotted a much more fun toy to play with. She crouched low, and wiggled her rear a little, whiskers twitching in anticipation.
Sesshoumaru leapt into Smittee's lap when the cat charged. "The barista's evil magic has put me at a disadvantage."
"Chicken," two of the women said in unison, adding sound effects, as if he didn't know what kind of noises he would make if he was, in fact, a chicken.
After the cat was put away, everyone sat around and stared at him for awhile. He answered questions about how he got there, and how he emerged from the Meidou in the bathroom of a Tokyo Starbucks.
"You will enlarge me," he ordered. "And make me three-dimensional. You will not put me in any café, make a Mokomoko a human molestor, have me assaulted by Carebears, or anything else. Just...enlarge this Sesshoumaru. Nothing else! And no watermelons!"
Sesshoumaru was carried to a machine with a large, flat piece of glass. When he lay down on it, the lid was slammed on top of him, causing all sorts of discomfort in all sorts of places.
Smittee hit the scan button, and once again Sesshoumaru saw the bright light and felt his soul being sucked, this time into the computer.
Sesshoumaru reappeared on the computer screen when Photoshop loaded, and R0o said, "Ohh...do you want us to get rid of the scribblies?"
"If you can rid me of these markings, you will be forgiven my wrath," he answered as he walked around in the tiny white box. "What is this place?"
R0o laughed evilly, locked the layer Sesshoumaru was trapped in, and went to work while the others tried to make him three dimensional.
Once upon a time, Sesshoumaru was three-dimensional. And real.
Giggles were heard as the laptop was passed around.
No, he wasn't. We were lying. Sesshoumaru was the cutest chibi of all time.
More giggles, then...
Sesshoumaru was really a woman, pretending to be a man, because his father always wanted a son.
Chibi Sesshoumaru emerged from the printer, and walked off the edge of the desk.
"Oh, be careful, you'll hurt yourself," MontiK said.
The taiyoukai grasped his chest and said, "I have a vagina. Suicide would be great relief at this point."
XXX
Several hours later...
Smittee and MontiK glanced at the contents of the paper shredder's bin.
"I'll get the tape," Smittee said.
Crackfic Authors: 1
Sesshoumaru: 0