Kagome rested against one of the rocks in the tiny hot spring she'd found.
The misery she felt was overwhelming. She was lethargic, empty, with no willpower to even move enough to help the sudden cramp in her lower back.
It would be so easy, she thought, to just slide down further into the water. It wouldn't even take that much on her part. The hot spring was deep enough to reach her shoulders when she sat down into it and it was more than deep enough to do the deed. She could escape, she could be free.
And yet it was her own fault.
She let others treat her this way and she did nothing about it. She let her emotions get the best of her and this is where it brought her.
The only thing that kept her from sliding down was the fact that it would likely be Sango who found her and she couldn't do that to her best friend. Sango had already seen too much death of those she loved and burying Kagome would be hard enough. Finding her body but being too late to help would be a mortal blow that Kagome just couldn't bring to Sango after all her friend had suffered.
It wasn't Sango's fault that things had happened the way they had, anymore than it was Miroku's or Shippo's. At the end of the day, the blame could only be placed fairly with Kagome and InuYasha themselves.
Kagome was mature enough to know that most of it lay on her own shoulders. She had allowed InuYasha to act as he had. She'd even enabled it. What she'd once considered cute or charming in him in their early days had ultimately proven to be things that no one should ever find charming or cute. The way he'd spoken to her, the way he acted, all bespoke an underlying lack of respect that she was reminded of every time he'd gone rushing off to save Kikyo or defend his first love's actions even when it had harmed his second.
And yet it was more her fault than his. InuYasha had been forced to survive on his own and had lost everyone he'd loved more than once. Kagome had thought she was helping him by enabling his behavior and quietly supporting him whenever she could. She had assumed that, in time, he'd open up to her and tell her of his feelings if she was patient enough, loving enough.
Instead, InuYasha had felt tied down by the expectations she'd hardly dared to speak aloud.
In the end, Kagome had been left with nothing. She'd come from the future for a life with a man who was little more than a boy. With some time, perhaps, he could become the man she wanted, but she didn't have the energy to give him that, nor had he wanted it. He had told her that—for her sake, he'd claimed—two nights ago when he claimed he was leaving.
And true to his word, the next morning when she'd woke, desperate to try and work things out no matter how bad things had become, he had left. No one in the village had seen him leave, meaning he'd left well before the sun had come up.
It had devastated Kagome, enough to try and see if the well would return her home again, though the well had refused to work. As much as she loved Sango and Miroku, she couldn't stand living in the village with them when it meant that one day she'd watch InuYasha wed—and it wouldn't be her. Some other woman would capture his heart and hold it as tightly as Kikyo herself once had.
Even now, just days after he'd called things off, the single women in the village had begun looking after him, all vying for his attention. Where he'd once been feared for his hanyo blood, now he was sought after as a hero of the tiny little village hidden away by the well.
None of the men, however, sought Kagome out. All of them gave her a wide berth, each unwilling to be the one to cause a powerful priestess to lose her powers. Not that she would, Kagome knew, because if intimacy was all that was required, she'd have already lost her powers the one and only time she and InuYasha had been intimate.
She was without a place, without a husband, and without her dreams. What good could she do on her own, even if she chose to leave the village? She still knew little about being a priestess and she came nowhere near Kikyo's mastery of her reiki.
Perhaps if I die, I can try again. It was a belief that Kikyo, she knew, had clung to when her predecessor had died.
And yet, ironically, it was that very comparison that kept Kagome from acting. She had no desire to come full circle to the life and death that Kikyo herself had.
Still, she sank further into the water, letting the water lap at her chin as she wallowed in her own misery.
I just wanted to love and be loved. Was that really too much to ask for?
"Lady Kagome?" a voice called out hesitantly.
Kagome sat up in surprise as Rin hovered by the edge of the spring. "Rin?"
Rin bit down on her lower lip, looking less confident than she'd ever seen the girl before, though Rin was now a teenager and, in the feudal era, on the cusp of adulthood. "You... You should come out of the water," Rin said quietly, a solemn look on her face that made her wonder if the younger girl had known exactly what Kagome had been debating moments before.
Kagome considered the request. She certainly wouldn't go through with any intent now, not with Rin as a witness, though the worst of her feelings had already begun to pass. Kagome no longer actively wanted to drown; she just couldn't bring herself to care if she had managed to slip below the water.
"Sure," Kagome said lethargically thought she made no move to do so.
Rin pressed her lips together. "Lord Sesshomaru is coming by the village tonight," Rin said after a moment, her voice low as she looked around. She seemed to expect Sesshomaru to appear just by mentioning his name.
Kagome listened but couldn't bring herself to say anything in response.
"Lady Kagome, please." Rin suddenly produced a fresh kimono and a cloth for Kagome to dry herself with. "You must get dressed. It is almost nightfall."
Kagome weighed her options and finally decided the most expedient thing to do would be to dress. At the very least, she couldn't bear the idea of causing Rin any more pain and it was evident Rin cared for her.
It isn't a husband or a future, but it's nice that someone came all this way, Kagome decided. Sango has the babies now so she can't just come chasing after me, even if she had time to breathe and notice that I'm gone.
Kagome pulled herself out of the spring, noticing with mild amusement that Rin had evidently decided Kagome was not acting quickly enough, for the younger girl rushed to help dry Kagome off and then proceeded to dress Kagome with an efficiency she hadn't expected from Rin. Rin then pulled out a comb from where she'd stashed it in her obi and began, with quick, efficient strokes, combing through the wet mess of Kagome's wavy hair.
Within moments, she was presentable.
"There," Rin said with a small amount of pride. "Just in time."
Rin began ushering Kagome away, likely to try and return Kagome to the village before Sesshomaru returned for her.
But she didn't get the chance; Sesshomaru appeared moments later, stepping off of his cloud as Jaken teetered off it beside him a moment later, nearly tumbling over.
"My lord Sesshomaru has done many great and mighty things since he saw you last, you ungrateful girl," Jaken crowed as he wobbled to his feet, supporting himself on the Staff of Two Heads. "Why, just recently he took on a mighty and terrible bovine yokai who—"
"Jaken." Sesshomaru's word was curt as Jaken toppled over by some invisible force.
Kagome privately suspected Sesshomaru had something to do with it, though she hadn't seen him move.
Rin seemed unfazed as she stepped forward to pat Jaken on the back. "Rin is glad to see you, too, Master Jaken!" she chirped cheerfully before turning to Sesshomaru and offering him a bow. "My lord, Rin would like to make a request."
Sesshomaru raised a brow but said nothing.
Rin seemed to take this as permission to continue. "Rin would like Lady Kagome to come."
Later, Kagome would wonder who was more surprised by Rin's request: Jaken, Sesshomaru, or Kagome herself. Jaken, at least, looked as stunned as Kagome no doubt did, though Sesshomaru was far quicker to mask his own astonishment. None, at least, had been surprised by Rin's odd quirk of speech that she'd resisted all attempts on her behalf to correct. For whatever reason, Rin was perfectly content to refer to herself in the third person and never cared if anyone else didn't like it.
Then again, Rin rarely seemed to care what anyone thought except for Sesshomaru himself.
Sesshomaru seemed to mull over the request for a moment before he finally said, "Do as you will."
Rin clapped her hands in delight. "Do not worry, Lord Sesshomaru! You will not regret allowing Lady Kagome to come along, you'll see!"
"Stupid human," Jaken snapped, though he couldn't quite hide the affection in his tone. "Lord Sesshomaru has no use for weak humans!"
"Lady Kagome is not weak." Rin was quick to jump to Kagome's defense. "She's just feeling a little sad right now, that's all. Oh, Rin knows! Tell Lady Kagome one of your jokes, Master Jaken. That's sure to help her feel better."
Jaken huffed but did, in fact, share a joke.
The joke did not help. The joke was so terrible that the only amusement Kagome got from it was when Jaken toppled over almost immediately after telling it.
Privately, Kagome suspected that Sesshomaru'd had a hand in that once again, mostly because the joke Jaken had told had been about Sesshomaru.
But for the first time in months, Kagome had almost felt like smiling.
.
They had been traveling for several days before Kagome thought to ask where they were heading.
"Lord Sesshomaru has arranged a meeting," Rin answered Kagome cheerfully. "Rin is to be married."
Kagome gaped. "Married? To who?" In her mind, though Rin was sixteen and a perfectly respectable age for marriage in this era, she was still far too young for marriage.
Rin shrugged. "Rin does not know. Rin has not met him."
Arranged marriages were far more common than love matches in this era, but Rin's nonchalance over the matter only startled Kagome further. "And... You're okay with this?" she asked Rin slowly.
"Lord Sesshomaru chose him," Rin said with a smile as if that explained everything.
Kagome looked over at Sesshomaru walking ahead of them. If Sesshomaru was aware of the conversation, he showed no signs of it. "Well, what do you know about him?" Kagome finally asked, grasping for some way to continue the conversation.
She wanted to talk Rin out of the marriage entirely but suspect that, not only would she not succeed, but that Sesshomaru wouldn't be amused by her attempts to do so. For all she knew, Sesshomaru might abandon Kagome in the middle of camp one night for even trying.
Or he might just try and kill her. After all, he'd done so before for far lesser infractions.
What would Sesshomaru even consider to be appropriate qualities in a husband? Did he even understand how human marriages worked in the first place?
"Well," Rin said slowly, "Master Jaken has stated that Rin's future husband is the firstborn son but has no other wives or concubines."
That relieved Kagome, but only a little. The man could always take additional wives or concubines later, after the marriage.
"He is also said to be a talented poet," Rin continued, though that was to be expected. Most well-born men in this era dabbled in poetry, if only a little. "His haiku have been well-received throughout the court."
Likely a daimyo's son, then.
"What else do you know?" Kagome prompted when Rin said nothing else.
Rin shrugged again. "That is all Rin knows."
"Well," Kagome said weakly, making a mental note to pull Sesshomaru aside later to discuss the matter firmly, "he sounds just... wonderful."
Rin beamed with pride. "Lord Sesshomaru would choose only the best," she said confidently.
Kagome found she had nothing she could say to that.
.
Later that night, after Rin and Jaken had fallen asleep, Kagome sat up from her feigned doze and quietly made her way over to Sesshomaru.
"You found a husband for Rin," she blurted, forgetting all of her previous planning to start the conversation more delicately.
Sesshomaru raised a brow but said nothing.
"Why?" she prompted.
Sesshomaru was silent for a moment longer. "It is what she wished."
Kagome floundered at that; Rin had said nothing of romantic interest, let alone a desire to marry, and she had been around Rin far more often than Sesshomaru had been. Yet clearly Sesshomaru knew Rin and her desires far better than Kagome did, for all of the time Kagome had spent together with Rin.
"Why a daimyo's son?" Kagome asked after she'd shaken off her surprise. She couldn't imagine Rin behaving with the propriety expected of a daimyo's wife.
"It is a minor daimyo," Sesshomaru said, startling Kagome with the answer to the thought Kagome hadn't spoken aloud, "located within the western lands."
"So they swear fealty to you?" Kagome didn't quite know how human/yokai interactions went in regards to Sesshomaru's inheritance of his father's title. Had Sesshomaru inherited anything more than a title from his father when he'd come into his own power?
Sesshomaru's expression was flat. "Humans swear allegiance to their emperor and to their own alliances with other daimyo. Yokai do not hold land as humans do. This one's great and powerful father protected the Western Lands because it gave him pride to do so, but that did not mean he ruled them. He simply allowed those who lived within the lands he guarded to live as they pleased. Humans, however, are foolish enough to believe that they can rule the land they live upon."
Kagome considered his words, understanding that in the feudal era, he was likely right. Most humans battled at some point over the land they lived on, if not over land others lived upon, but very few were able to live as they pleased without conflict.
"Still, I can't picture Rin living as a pampered hime." Kagome had tried already to picture it, but her mind simply failed to produce any images of Rin doing so happily. "How do you know she'd be happy?"
"Rin is always happy." Sesshomaru's tone was flat, as if he was stating a fact. "A daimyo, however minor, will provide for her comfortably and in turn, this one will ensure the daimyo's son is able to protect her and his land from conflict."
In other words, the daimyo had agreed to the marriage because of the power Sesshomaru had to safeguard the daimyo's son and any heirs he'd sire on Rin.
"But Rin doesn't love him," Kagome blurted. That was the biggest problem she had with the marriage; she wanted Rin to find love and happiness, not simply to marry for comfort and wealth.
But Sesshomaru was far more practical than Kagome's human heart could be. "Love is not required. However, if love is what Rin seeks, this one is confident that she will be able to find it wherever she lives."
Sesshomaru then closed his eyes and leaned back against the tree he'd settled against earlier that evening and with that, effectively ended the conversation.
.
They arrived at the daimyo's shiro two days later. In that time, Kagome had failed to reason with anyone that the marriage should not go ahead as scheduled. Rin was adamant that Sesshomaru had chosen well and Sesshomaru himself wouldn't even entertain the idea of conversing with Kagome further on the subject.
So, upon arrival, Rin had been escorted off to prepare for the wedding, leaving Kagome, Sesshomaru, and Jaken to their own devices. A servant had appeared at once point with new clothing for the wedding and had shown them an area nearby to bathe, but otherwise they were left alone.
Kagome had bathed and dressed, as had Sesshomaru, before Jaken took to splashing in the water with mild delight. Still, they were ready long before the wedding was set to take place, and that left Kagome with Sesshomaru for company, as Jaken had taken it upon himself to nap in the meantime.
"What next?" Kagome finally asked, unable to bear the silence any longer. Though she had spent the better part of two weeks traveling with Sesshomaru, this was only the third conversation she'd participated in with him and she still found the silence too unnerving.
Sesshomaru raised a brow. "Rin will consummate the marriage. Did the elder priestess not explain marriage to you?"
Kagome turned bright red. "That's not what I meant!"
Sesshomaru's lip twitched and she wondered if he'd made a joke at her expense.
"I just meant with us! I mean, it's not like they'd let us live here with them, so what happens next?" Kagome folded her arms across her chest, silently daring him to make another joke or otherwise evade answering her.
"This one will return to make his home," he answered to her surprise.
"Home?" she repeated blankly. "Where is your home?"
"He has not yet determined this." Sesshomaru sounded mildly irritated at having to explain himself—or, at least, that's what Kagome assumed he was irritated about; Sesshomaru wasn't an easy male to read.
"Oh." Kagome was crestfallen; that meant she'd have to return to the village and she wasn't in the mood for that. "Well, maybe I can help?"
Sesshomaru eyed her, his expression flat. "Hnn."
Kagome took a page out of Rin's book and decided that, since it wasn't a flat refusal, she was going to take it as acceptance.
.
"Rin looked happy," Kagome admitted as they left the daimyo's shiro behind them. "Her new husband isn't unattractive and he seemed to be respectful and kind."
Sesshomaru didn't answer her, though Jaken had crowed that his lord, as always, had impeccable taste.
"Do you think we could visit?" Kagome continued, deciding that she was going to keep talking until she got some sort of response from the stoic lord. "I'd like to see her kids, once she has them."
Sesshomaru remained silent.
"Who would turn down my great and terrible lord?" Jaken answered her instead, though his next bit of bravado was interrupted as he fell face-first into the dirt. "Why, just two months ago, my lord—Ah!"
Kagome sighed. "I wonder if Kohaku has married yet. Last I heard, he was still traveling the world. Well, he has time, I suppose. So does Shippo. What about you, Sesshomaru? Do you plan on getting married anytime soon?"
Jaken, who was spitting out dirt, sputtered. "M-married?"
"Why not?" Kagome asked with a shrug. "Sesshomaru is old enough to know what marriage is, after all." She took great delight in reminding Sesshomaru of his prior teasing.
She felt Sesshomaru's yoki rise mildly in response.
"Of course, he'd have to find someone willing to marry him," she continued easily. "That would be the hard part."
"Irritating woman!" Jaken stamped his staff on the ground. "No female in her right mind would turn down all that Sesshomaru has to offer."
Kagome pretended to consider the matter, ticking off her points on her fingers as she spoke, "Well, let's consider that. Sesshomaru has no house to offer, no great wealth from what I can see, and he certainly isn't known for his poetry or great conversation. I doubt he can play an instrument, either. Outside of a love match, I'm not sure who would have him."
She felt Sesshomaru's yoki rise far more swiftly, nearly threatening to drown her, as her own reiki rose in response.
"I suppose he does have a lot of power," she conceded, amused as Sesshomaru's irate yoki settled somewhat at that. "His wife would always be protected if he was around. But really, Jaken, without love, I just don't see it happening."
Kagome grinned to herself for the first time in months as Sesshomaru growled.
"And you, priestess?" he asked, goaded into speaking as he turned to look at her from over his shoulder. "Who would marry you? You likewise have no dowry, no talents, and little of value to offer besides your own reiki. What would youoffer a mate outside a love match?"
Kagome pouted, unable to find anything to say to that, as she saw the smug smile pull at his lips.
She really didn't like the way Sesshomaru tended to win arguments.
.
Sesshomaru found the place to build his home a fortnight after their debate and construction had quickly begun. Within a month, the shiro was finished and the grounds carefully cultivated, all done by yokai craftsman.
Sesshomaru had then hired his servants and moved in, though it wasn't long before his restless yoki drove even Kagome mad.
One night, irritated enough by Sesshomaru's own irritation, Kagome left her bed to track down Sesshomaru, intent on doing whatever it took to settle Sesshomaru enough so that she could sleep.
She found him outside in his courtyard, drilling himself with his sword.
"It is late," he observed without looking at her.
She was so surprised that he'd initiated the conversation with her that she forgot what she'd intended to lecture him about. "Yes, but I can't sleep," she said after a moment, grasping for the topic she'd meant to start with. "Why are you so irritated, Sesshomaru? Most people settle down after moving into their home, but you seem even more unsettled."
Sesshomaru was quiet for a moment as he seemed to stop drilling entirely. "This one had assumed his troublesome urges would be assuaged after doing so," he admitted quietly.
It took her a moment to understand what he'd meant. "It wasn't just Rin," she realized, taken aback. "You wanted a family, too."
There was a faint blush at Sesshomaru's cheeks that fascinated her. "This one assumed that if he settled Rin into place and found his own home, the desire would be satisfied."
"But it wasn't," she breathed, understanding. "It made you want more."
A curt nod was her only reply.
"So what's holding you back?" she prompted.
He sheathed his sword, giving up any pretense of continuing the drill. "As you have indicated, this one has not been found a suitable partner."
Kagome's heart went out to him. Sesshomaru looked more than just displeased at the idea of being found wanting; he looked positively dejected. For someone to want a relationship so badly but be unable to find one, yet also be unable to fully communicate those desires, had to be the worst sort of experience possible.
And Kagome could relate. She'd wanted a relationship herself and had been found wanting.
"I understand," she said after a moment, and then admitted, "InuYasha found me wanting, too."
His eyes widened in surprise as he looked down at her. "Then why not seek another?"
Kagome shrugged lightly, though her heart was heavy. "The same as you, I guess. Like you said, I don't have much to offer."
"This one lied."
Kagome froze as she stared up at him. "You..." She exhaled, trying to regain her breath at the sudden heat in his gaze. "When?"
He shrugged himself and she suspected it was more because he didn't know than because he had any strong desire to be obstinate.
"So what, then?" Kagome felt like she'd been smacked in the head as she tried to take it all in. "I mean, if we do pursue this..."
For a moment, it seemed like he'd been caught off guard but then a teasing smile spread. "Surely the elderly priestess explained marriage to you," he said, reminding her of a similar conversation a few weeks ago.
Kagome put her hands on her hips, deciding that, once again, she didn't like the way Sesshomaru always seemed to win. "That's not the way to convince me to marry you, Sesshomaru," she lectured, "especially not for a love match."
Sesshomaru rolled his eyes as she gaped, flabbergasted. "Love is a foolish, mortal notion—"
Kagome decided that she would work on that arrogance later. "Shut up and kiss me," she interrupted, reaching out with a bravado she didn't know she had to clutch the edges of his armor and pull him closer.
He obliged her command, his hands sliding around her waist to pull her in for a gentle, yet uncertain kiss.
"Surely you know how to kiss," Kagome taunted as their lips separated a moment later.
Sesshomaru's brow raised at her challenge and the next thing she knew, he was kissing her so passionately that Kagome privately suspected his lips and tongue had ruined her for anyone else.
Not that she minded, of course. No matter what Sesshomaru claimed, she was positive that he'd see things her way—eventually.
For now, however, she was more concerned with more important things, like how to rid him of that troublesome armor.
The rest, she was confident, would come in time.